I'm 22 years old. There are great changes of me, both mentally and physically, in each year. I've started using social media since i was 12 years old. 10 years of mine are somewhere out there, in the database of these websites. I have always thought, "huh, someday i'll take a look at them back and see how much i changed" or like "what would old me say, if he had seen me". I never tried to find an answer. I never checked my post history. Nobody got any time for that. But what i can plan, to see myself changing, for the future. This was my initial goal in preparing this chart. To see me changing. All i had to do at the end of the year is to see how i changed by looking at colors. I didn't have to check my history and go through all those posts. It was a lot easier.
However, over time, i realized that people were interested to see me dealing with this piece of paper everyday. They were really curious in ways that i wasn't really expecting. And they were really hype about what i had been doing. They appriciated my effort. And i thought, "why would this be something only for me?" If i can briefly analyze it and put it out there, other people may benefit from it without giving the same effort as i did. Well, that's the point of sharing, anyway. There are not many clear and ready-to-use interpretations here, but i hope that you take something out of this.
I have analyzed my weekends, mondays, months, and seasons. I've discussed about them deeply, except talking about each month and seasons. They'd require so much time and make everything boring. Therefore, i talked about them briefly. In each sub-topic, i tried to come up with "what to do with this" part, so that i can be more aware of my future.
WEEKENDS
I’ve compared the moods of the weekends
with the moods of the rest of the year to see if there was any impact of
weekends over my moods. Even though, deep data analysis is needed to come up
with precise and valuable results, it can be even seen that there is no
significant difference. Of course, weekends are only 2 days and they give more
compact and precise results compared to the rest of the year. Therefore, the
percentages may vary since the number of the days are significant for the
result.
The slight differences might be related to
the availability of many things increasing on the weekends. As my source of
happiness mostly depends on the interactions that I share with people, I rely
on other factors outside me. People are more available or more prone to do
different things on the weekends, as well as the events that we may go. Therefore,
my mood may vary a lot, emotionally, over the given weekend (see the increase
of melancholic and worried moods).
High rates of curiosity and exhaustion for
the rest of the year might be related with doing most of important
things/decisions during the week. It seems that I’m more curious to do or for
things during the week; therefore, increase of exhaustion seems more reasonable
as I may be running from places to places.
However, it is clear that I do not depend
on weekends as a source of happiness. Having nothing to do (weekends are mostly
associated with having no responsibilities) has never been the center of my
life. Living and everything that is associated with it is part of the process
for me and I try to make the most out of it. There, the reason that there is no
difference might be because I do not value to the weekends or most of the
holidays.
When the moods are combined under positive
(purple, light blue, and green), negative (brown, red, orange, yellow, and
pink), and neutral (light brown and blue) categories, the same continuity can
be seen on positive moods over the weekend and the rest of the year (%44,
almost half of my weekends and year were positive). However, there is a great
increase of negative moods over the weekends (%30 of my weekends were negative,
while this number is %21 for the rest of the year). This weird difference might
be related with having more neutral moods for the rest of the year. Having more
negative moods does not necessarily mean that it is not positive, but it can be
stationary. This proves that I had more exceptional and different (not
stationary) weekends, meaning that I had done things that had made me feel
positive or negative. This proves the point of having more things available to
do over the weekends.
Lastly, when my moods are compared within
the weekend itself (moods of Saturdays and Sundays), there is a great
difference of my moods over the weekend. I’ve changed my mood negatively or
positively over the weekends (meaning that I was feeling something else for
both days) for %65 and stayed the same for %35. Again, this proves the point
made before about having more exceptional weekends, being prone to do more
things.
What to do with this?
-depend less on people: i do not mean to avoid people, but to be depended on myself as a source of motivation. i certanly used to enjoy going to movies and place alone a lot often than i do now. i seek for people to do things. this limits me a lot in may ways. i could bring back old me and give myself more me-"i love myself" time.
-be less stationary and more curious on weekends: instead of resting my butt in my warm bed, i might go out cycling on a snowy day (this was the current situation when i was writing these lines)
-give myself a resting day during the day: as well as by making my weekends more things on the weekends, i can make my week days less tiring for me and keep the whole week more balanced.
-plan accordingly: do things that i can do on weekends and not do things that i can't do on weekends
MONDAYS
The moods of Mondays were compared with the
rest of the year to see if there was any impact of “Monday syndrome” on my
moods. There is one interesting difference in the chart, that is the percentage
of the “melancholic mood”. Melancholia is much more common on Mondays than rest
of the year. Indeed, even though I never felt it, “Monday syndrome” is the case
for me. I do not remember a Sunday on which I was feeling like not starting a
new week. In fact, I would say that I’m keen on starting something new as the
percentage of “excited mood” makes it clear (look at the moods of the year
except weekends, as well). I cannot think of any reasonable explanation of this
difference, as most of my Sundays were positive as well. I guess, there were
weeks that I wanted to start so badly and at the same time, did not want time
to pass. Again, even though I have never felt like I have a “Monday syndrome”,
this data allowed me to see this and helped me to be more careful and cheer
myself up when starting a new week.
Similarly, when all the moods are
categorized as the positive, neutral, and negative moods and compared with the
rest of the year, my Mondays were mostly positive (%49). Except Mondays, the
rest of the year is positive for %44. Similar difference can be observed for
negative moods (%30 for Mondays, %23 for rest of the year). These differences
prove that I had exceptional (less casual) Mondays as both positive and
negative moods increase on Mondays. This might prove that I’m more willing to
put myself out there and do something on Mondays then the rest of the days.
Having more emotional moods on Mondays, even though high percentage of
emotional moods of the weekends are included in the rest of the year,
contradicts with having “Monday syndrome”. I guess it is not clear for me
whether “Monday syndrome” is related to not wanting to do anything or having
negative feelings. If it is the former, I do not have this syndrome as my half
of my Mondays were positive.
Not having any “amazing” Monday do not mean
anything as for the sake of Monday, as most of those days (3 out of 5) are on
weekends because of its availability. Not having any of those days on Monday is
just coincide and do not reflect on the significance of Monday.
What to do with this?
-maybe be not a butthurt on Mondays and deliberately cheer myself up when starting the day? (cuz, everything else seems good)
MONTHS AND SEASONS
There is a lot of data taken out of each
month and it can be evaluated case by case. However, I don’t think I love
myself that much. Instead, I will evaluate them over the seasons, the mosts,
and the leasts.
The happiest month is March with 14 days.
Similarly, April, August, and October have close numbers (13 days). When I take
a look at back and try to remember what happened in that month, I cannot come
up with anything prominent. That’s the problem with me, btw. I’m terrible with
my memories and cannot remember a thing unless I have pictures/videos/memories
of other people. There is one thing I’m planning to do in the future, to deal
with this issue. However, for now, I’ll evaluate these moods over the conceptual
seasonal moods. I’ll take a look if I was much happier during the summer than
rest of the year, like many people on earth or if I’m much happier during
winter as I’m a winter person.
Indeed, the happiest months are close to
summer season (even though in March and October, the weather is a bit chilly).
This might be similar to weekend analysis, as summer has more availability
(holidays, vocations, travelling, having more leisure time) than winter. I’ve
never felt like seasons have any impact on me, just like Mondays and weekends.
In fact, I’d say that I’m happier in winter as I have a lot of things to do and
I can keep up with me life. However, I see that things are not always as it may
seem. It is important for me to consider the availability of things according
to each season. I can adopt myself and do things according to seasons. For
example, reading a paper everyday during summer might not be a reasonable thing
to do or going to the coast to have a vacation during winter.
Similarly, the happiest season is Spring
with 34 days. This is followed up by Winter and Summer with 31 days. With these
results, it is hard to say anything regarding the relationship between my moods
and weather/environment. Yes, summer is more available to do many things, but
it doesn’t seem to be significant for my happiness. In fact, the interesting
difference is for Autumn with only 17 days. I’ll evaluate this difference along
with other moods to see what moods had been increased instead of happiness.
The most casual/average month was January
with 14 days, followed up by September by 11 days. It is a bit interesting to
have these stable days in those months, as both are the beginning of something
new for me. As a student, September is the beginning of each year for me. As
the summer vacation ends and school starts on September, I’d imagine myself
having a lot of things to do and not have casual days. Similarly, January is
usually the month in which I have my finals and begin the semester break.
Therefore, I do not know what to do with this result. This might be special
only for this year. I need to compare this with other years to see if there is
any interpretation.
However, the season of casual mood was
Autumn. Because of the high and similar numbers of each month, Autumn seems to
be the most basic season. This is good news. As my “not happy days of Autumn”
are not correlated with negative moods, but stable/stationary moods. Afterall,
Autumn may not be a shitty season for me.
The most tiring month was November and the
season was Autumn. This is a bit interesting as my exhaustion depended on my
curiosity for the weekends. There is no similar result here, as the number of
my curious days are low for Autumn. I do not know the source of this increase
of tiredness. Maybe real seasonal physical exhaustion?
The saddest month was February for 3 days,
followed up by December for 2 days. Therefore, the saddest season was Winter.
However, there is a methodological problem here. I’ll talk about this issue a
lot deeply later, but it can be seen that I do not have many depressed/sad days
over the year. Even low numbers of this mood make it seem that my Winter was
sad. In fact, high numbers of happy moods during Winter proves the contrary.
Plus, I had traveled to Italy to see my ex-girlfriend (she was not ex at that
time, of course) after working in a shitty job for months. I do not remember
anything else other than this for February. Therefore, this result does not
really reflect the actual state of the month.
The most frustrating month was September
and October with 3 days. Similarly, low numbers do not mean a lot, but having
the greatest number of angry days in consecutive months mean something. I do
now know why Autumn was frustrating, this data will collectively gather up with
others to interpret something for Autumn as the numbers are not really appealing
for it.
The most exciting month was June and
gloomiest month was July. There is a strong correlation here, even though I did
not feel it that strong when I was experiencing it. In June, I went to the US
with some expectations (they weren’t high or anything). I was curious at first
to experience and start living somewhere new. However, as I gradually became
acquainted with it, I start to see darker and unpleasant sides of the US/my
experience. Since I couldn’t meet my expectations with my life, I became
gloomier. Again, I knew back then that my low feelings were related to not
finding the life that I expected in the US. But the data shows it more
strongly. I need to be more aware how my expectations and previous life styles
changes the way I feel and think in the current moment. I cannot let this
happen and ruin my mood, because I may start a never-ending circle that people
cannot get rid of. Ruined mood leads to being careless. Being careless leads to
not being open changes. Not being open for changes leads to being more closed.
Being more closed leads to being more judgmental about the environment and
sadness. This, eventually, leads to ruining my mood more. There you are,
depression/melancholia. I need to be more aware how I live up my moment by the
terms of my past and control my mood.
I gave up on analyzing each month and
season according to their mosts and leasts. There is no really significant
difference between them, except for Spring. Spring is more correlated with
positive feelings and less stable moods. This proves that even though I am a
winter person and do not value summer as other people do, my moods seem to
cherish in Spring. Well, what to do with it? I’ll try to make the most out of
other seasons and months and be more aware of my current status.
What to do with this?
-plan accordingly: do things that you can do in summer and not do things that you cannot do in summer (or any other season)
-try to remember what the fuck you did around those months: forgetting is not good, you'll die alone.
-try to understand what's happening to you in autumn: everything is fucked up for autumn, even though not a major thing happened
-be less case-dependent: do not let bad vibes and moods destroy your perspective, months, and seasons (the US experience). be more cautious on staying in the same mood over a long time.
METHODOLOGICAL PROBLEMS
There were major problems for this chart
and its accuracy that I realized both during the year and after. Those problems
are related to what my chart is and how I fill it up. First of those problems is
about the definitions of the moods and the type of moods. I did not make this
chart for myself, I copied it somewhere on internet. Maybe I’ve changed a few
of them and added some new ones. But at first glance, the moods seemed
reasonable and would be enough for rest of the year. However, it wasn’t enough
and reasonable. People who know me better will understand, it is really hard
for me to define myself anything extraordinary/radical. I always try to find
common ground in many of my arguments and way of thinking. This applies to my
moods. Therefore, it was really hard for me to label my day as “amazing” as
well as “depressed”. So, even though I was feeling a lot happier than usual, I
wouldn’t go and label it as “amazing” as I thought it really didn’t define my
day. Similarly, on my sad days, I wouldn’t define myself as “depressed” because
I know that these moods and lows are temporary and will pass the day after. The
second thing is that “being exhausted” is not a feeling or mood. It is a
physical state. I can be happy, but at the same time, be exhausted. Or vice
versa, I would be exhausted and feel like nothing to do. Therefore, I sit at
home and do nothing. This makes me sad after a while, until the end of the day.
So, what now? Should I label it as exhausted or sad? These contradictions and
arbitrary definitions decreased the accuracy of this chart.
I’ve also changed my view and perception
regarding the moods. At first, the difference between sad and melancholy was
not clear. So, whenever I felt low, I went for melancholy. Sadness was not
option for me at the beginning. When you look at the months, there isn’t many
days that are melancholic going along with sad days. It is either one of them
for various times. The lines for these feelings were not clear and my definition
of them changed throughout the year. Similarly, feeling exhausted used to be on
mental state at the beginning, and on second thought, it would be better to
define it as physical state. Plus, at certain times, I thought a lot on how to
label my day. The very next day, I did it instinctively. These variances may
have affected the results a lot.
The way I labeled my days were not precise,
as well. Those labels do not necessarily define my whole day. Even though I
felt great and happy during the day, I would label my day according to the
feeling and mood at the end of the day when I take a look at what happened. The
dominant mood at the end of the day was important. Therefore, my perspectives
at the end of the day are the sources of my days. This may provide inaccurate
results, as we’re prone to change the way we felt/thought when we take a look
at it, because we interpret it from third point of view.
The other problem is about consistency.
There were times that I forgot the label my day, because I was travelling and
forgot to pick it up with me, or I simply did not want to do it. I remember not
doing anything about this for 10 days. I had to look back at my days and try to
remember what happened. This alters the results in a significant way, because
as I said before, we tend to change our views on something when we take a look
at back. And considering that this happened a lot and so often, we can doubt
about the accuracy of this chart.
Lastly, how I choose my mood for the day often
correlates with what I did during the day, instead of how I reflect myself.
Even though I didn’t do anything, but I felt great during the day, I would not
choose “amazing day/happy day”. I objectified my moods. Meaning that I
interpreted my days according to what I or other people might believe and think
are worth. My mood should not depend on how that day should feel like, but how
it feels.
What to do with this?
-find better ways to define yourself: not only for the sake of the chart, but also for daily life. sometimes, it is hard for me to answer "how are you" questions. i'm having hard time to express myself in given short periods of time. get over it. find easy and simple ways to express yourself.
-be more consistent: if you have started something with a mindset, keep that up. do not change along the way. if you haven't started it with a mindset, set fucking one.
LAST REMARKS
I had a good year. Doing this thing for the
whole year shows how much I value myself and not afraid to think about me. I
guess this is an initial proof that I’m a happy person, regardless of my moods.
But, before going any further, I’d like to explain what “happy/good” means for
me. I believe that I’m not using those terms in conceptual ways. Feeling happy
is not about feeling positive emotions and being one is not being in these
positive states all the time. You can be happy, even though you have regrets,
problems, worries, etc. It is just about how your perspective is towards the
life, how your consciousness values it. There are many things that makes me
anxious, angry, feel helpless and miserable. To name it, I had the worst week
of my year a month ago. I couldn’t get enough sleep, my mind did not stop
thinking and worrying, kept me away doing many things. I still feel the effect
of it. From moment to moment, I get nervous on the same things that I thought
back then. But, as you can see, there were still happy days on December. There
are bad/negative days, as well. However, I’m happy along with all those disadvantages,
in other words, I’m fulfilled. I’m positive about how I embrace my life and
feel strong enough to face many challenges. This is not pure luck. My life is
not that great. Indeed, I have certain comforts that some people cannot achieve
no matter how much they try. But this is the awareness that I’ve developed over
the years. I’m aware of my options/opportunities, as well as my disadvantages.
The effort that I put here to make this chart and analyze it for days. I care
about myself, I want to understand me. I want to share it with you, so you can
take a look at and give me feedback so that I’m not masturbating here all by
myself. I believe doing these things, trying to be aware of me, makes me feel fulfilled;
therefore, happy. And I suggest you spend more time on yourself and be aware
who you are to live more consistent and valuable life.
I’ll do the same thing for next year by
changing some of the moods and defining them more precisely. I’ll do the same
analysis and see if there was any change over the years. Additionally, I’ll
make myself a memory box. People who know me better know that I’m terrible with
memories. In order to improve that, I will write down my good and bad
experiences on a small piece paper and put them into a box for the whole year.
I’ll open the box at the end of the year and remember those days and people
that I had experience with to make them more prominent in my life.
Thank you for putting your time and effort
for reading this. If there is anything you’d like to say, criticize or ask,
just do so. I wish you all a great year!
